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Let me explain myself....

Earlier this year I was inspired by one of my favorite photographers: Ben Sasso. He is always stretching himself and creating art that means something.. so I challenged myself to come up with metaphors and then somehow create a concept visually to portray those emotions. So, one of the first things that popped into my head was how incredibly hard I am on myself; & I know I'm not alone in this. 

I'm not sure how it works in the mind of a critical thinking person but for myself as a "creative individual" I find that I am constantly fidgeting over everything I work on. One minute I will have pride in my work as if it is the most beautiful thing I've ever created.. & then moments later I can think it is a pile of hot turds. Yeah. Hot turds. 

My theory here is that we put so much of our heart and soul into our work that we see ourselves reflected back in it. I believe it is impossible to create something with passion and not leave a piece of yourself there. So, being that I obviously find myself imperfect & mostly flawed.. I tend to "find" those flaws within the work I create. I question the worth of the things I create because I often find myself questioning the worth that I possess. 

To some that may seem insane.. & thats okay. However, I know that it’s not just me. When I sat down to imagine a visual representation of this emotional chaos I've described it actually came rather easy. I had come up with the scenario, outfit and range of emotions I wanted to portray in about 3 minutes. 

Unfortunately the execution of creating the "visual aid" (the painting) if you will; was not as simple. I knew that a painter would be the easiest form of an artist  to portray visually so I started there. Then I realized I didn't want to use a famous piece because that makes no sense.. so I thought "i'll just paint it myself." I am not a painter, but I love painting...So what could go wrong? HAH. 

In the truest form of irony, I painted and repainted this canvas 4 times. I couldn't quite get what I was imagining in my mind to come to life with a paint brush because again, I AM NOT A PAINTER! So it was quite laughable because I went through the exact range of emotions that inspired the shoot while putting it together. (major LOLS am I right?) 

I definitely don’t think this is a completely “original” idea as I mentioned before Ben has done something similar (more specifically in the desert with a tuba..) but I challenged myself & was alone with my thoughts for far too long. I hope at least one person can relate. 

Shout out to my friend/model Audrey & my sounding board Melanie. You are the queen. Thanks for helping me & not thinking my ideas are too weird. 


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